My grandfather, Virgil, passed away around 11am the day before Thanksgiving. He was my father's father. His wife, my grandmother, survived him. They were married 67 years. He was 83, but had been suffering from dementia and Parkinson's for about a decade. That is also why I was not particularly torn up about it, because he hasn't really been around for quite some time in anything more than body. When I visited over the summer last year, he gave Damnen and I hugs and said he loved us. I have no idea if he knew who we were, but it was nice to hear.

Three weeks before his passing, he fell and incurred a bleed on the left side of his brain. The doctors were able to relieve the pressure and stop the bleed, but he never really recovered. He may or may not have regained consciousness. It was hard to say, seeing as he woke up, but never really responded to anything again. According to those who were there, he would sit and stare into space and focus on nothing. Because the bleed was on the left side, he lost the ability to speak. Then he came down with pneumonia and a blood infection. It was more than his body could endure and he left to seek better adventures in the great beyond.

His funeral was the following Monday in the Slusher Cemetery in Redbird, Kentucky. His mother and brother are buried there. I believe his father may be there, as well, along with several of our relatives on the Slusher side. This particular cemetery is up a very steep hill. I remember when Virgil's mother and my great-grandmother, Pearlie, was buried, it rained and the pall bearers almost dropped her trying to carry her up the hillside. It rained when Virgil died, as well, but his pall bearers were a bit more sure-footed.

There was a ceremony at the bottom of the hill for those who could not climb and because the hillside is too steep for everyone to fit at once. Then my brothers and the rest of the pall bearers carried him up. My father and I walked up with the rest of the funeral goers who could make the climb. When they got to the top of the hill, though, where his grave was waiting, the slope was too steep to set the coffin outside of the hole that awaited him. To keep him from sliding down the hillside, they had to go ahead and put him in the grave.

The funeral director then asked if we minded if they went ahead and got started. Nobody minded, so they took their shovels and started filling in his grave. At first, I found this a bit morbid, but after a moment's consideration, I found it comforting.

You see, it's always struck me as odd that we parade our deceased loved ones to their grave sites, but then we leave them above the ground and in the hands of strangers while we go out for lunch with the family. Can we truly say then, that we made sure the person we loved was laid to rest? For all we know, the grave diggers dropped them unceremoniously into the ground and filled them in without a care, if they actually put them in the ground at all.

But for my grandpa's funeral, we saw him to his grave and we saw him to his final rest. My dad and brothers and I stood in the rain at his grave on the mountainside while the men filled in the hole. And these weren't just strangers who shoveled the dirt into his grave, but relatives. They were his cousins; men who knew him their entire lives. They were careful as they covered his coffin and took the time to pick out the chunks of limestone from the dirt and set them neatly and gently in his grave.

We made sure, those of us who remained and those who did the work, that Grandpa was properly and completely at rest. Beyond the sense of closure that witnessing the entire process brought, it simply seemed the most right and appropriate thing to do. I think, from here on out, I will find any funeral done differently to be impersonal and even cold. This just seemed right to me on more levels than I can explain - there was reverence and respect - and I hope I have enough family still around when I die to do the same for me.

Back in October, I mentioned possibly being able to get the gender on my license changed due to a change in Ohio's laws. It was true and within a few weeks I had a shiny new license proclaiming me to be male.

It turns out, however, that this is both good and bad.

It's good because it cuts down on potential confusion and makes life a little bit safer for me when I have to show my ID.

It's bad because all the information attached to my birth certificate and the Social Security Administration is still listed as "female." The problem here is that now, if I apply for a job and I or my employer list me as "male" on the forms going to the SSA, a red flag will go up. I will then get a letter in the mail stating that my forms say one gender while the information attached to my SSN says another gender. If I don't correct the information within a specified amount of time, it will cause problems with some aspect of Social Security or my taxes or something - I can't remember precisely what it is just now, which is what I get for posting sleep-deprived entries, I guess.

But basically, the SSA will be on my ass until I fix the discrepancy. Since I cannot change my gender with the SSA without getting surgery first, I have to "correct" the forms to say "female." This will probably mean having to out myself to every employer I have until I can afford surgery. And even then, just having surgery is no guarantee they will change my gender.

I find this to be absurdly silly and arbitrary and really none of their business, but I also can't afford to hire a lawyer and challenge the laws.

What this also means, is that Damnen and I cannot get married.

When I first found out I could get my license changed, I thought we could possibly get married. And even though I'd gotten to the point where I never wanted to entertain the idea of marriage ever again, the idea of marrying Damnen was disturbingly pleasant. Even though she and I had both agreed that we wouldn't consider or discuss marriage to each other until we'd been together for at least four years, we'd slipped up a few times and talked about it. And then we talked about it some more because the idea didn't make us want to vomit, run screaming, or bury our heads in the sand. I think we kind of decided that it was all right to discuss it, but we wouldn't take the idea seriously until after the four year mark.

Instead, once the idea and the actual possibility of really getting married was presented, we decided it was a good idea. We discussed it all rather like a business proposal, negotiated the details and found our terms to be agreeable.

But then we discovered that it was all pointless because Ohio goes by the gender according to the birth certificate and not the license. For me, this is disappointing because mine still says "female" and Kentucky requires surgery to change it. For people born in Ohio, it's downright shitty because they won't change gender on birth certificates. I hope this changes.

So what it comes down to is that Damnen and I might be able to sneak and get married using our licenses, but as soon as Ohio or the SSA caught it, they would call it a same-sex marriage and have it annulled. With that as a possibility, and without the money to fight it in court, we just don't see the point.

What a crappy year 2009 turned out to be. I didn't mean to go so long between entries, but we've just been incredibly busy. Sadly for me, I thought I had an extra week before classes started back up, but instead they start back on Monday.

I guess I'll attempt a brief recap of the year.

We were broke. Ridiculously and irritatingly broke. If not for painting Dave's house over the summer, we wouldn't have made it. First, Damnen finished up her research at WSU, so we lost her paycheck. Then, the First Time Home Buyers Incentive check that we were expecting in May didn't arrive until October because they decided to audit us. On top of that, Damnen's job search was fruitless, though not for lack of trying. I was usually sitting nearby while she filled out application after application and sent her resume to any job that she even remotely qualified for. We heard nothing back from any of them until this month.

Our finances held out until recently, though. In the past couple of months, however, it's kinda been one thing after another. Lots of holiday travel to visit family. My grandfather died, thus creating more travel. Christmas, though we really spent very little on gifts. The fuel filter on the Mercedes went out and in the process of replacing that, the mechanics discovered the primer pump was dead. Of course, the primer pump is only necessary when you run the car completely out of gas, but that was pretty much what happened when they replaced the fuel filter, so unless we replaced the primer pump, the car was scrap. Thankfully, the fuel pump didn't have to be replaced, too, or the repairs would have jumped from $400 to $1400.

Over the summer, Revspook moved in and helped us paint Dave's house. He headed off for what I hope are greener pastures around the beginning of December. It was both nice and strange to have someone else living here - Damnen and I are so used to seeing almost no one but each other for months on end. I fear it makes us very awkward people to live with.

We got my niece's room painted and put together. It looks really nice and we were able to find her an antique bed and dresser for $100. The mattress was, of course, too expensive for what it is. There is such a rampant bed bug problem in Ohio that we were very reluctant to buy a used mattress, but when we priced new ones we couldn't find any below $200. Finally, we found a very cheap, very flat, very hard mattress and box spring for around $120. We padded it with a mattress topper that we already had and every extra blanket we could spare, but it's still rather unforgiving. To her credit, she didn't complain while she was up visiting this past week.

Because we were so broke, we really didn't do anything much last year. We went to the opera, but only because I got free tickets through the honors department. It was wonderful, by the way, and in that mythical someday when we have money, I hope to go more often. As a Christmas present to each other, Damnen and I got tickets to see the Nutcracker ballet because neither of us had seen it since we were children. On my birthday I saw America perform with the Dayton Philharmonic Orchestra. Beyond that, we saw no movies in the theater, no other concerts, very few if any club nights. We did go to a couple of gallery hops. We also went to The Dirty Show in Detroit, but only because Dave was paying.

Really, being broke rather defined our year. We were so broke that Damnen qualified for food stamps and we felt no shame in taking them. It's not ideal, but it's better to have a full belly than pride.

The nausea that I was dealing with at the beginning of the year seems to be mostly gone, though I still have the occasional bout. I still question whether it was all caused by hormones, but am not in a position to up my dose again and find out. I simply cannot deal with it again and am too scared to experiment and risk being so sick once more. I still haven't gained back the weight I lost. And I still can't eat as much in one sitting as I once could, which I think is the main reason I can't gain the weight back. These days, undressed, I think I weigh about 100 pounds. Still, I feel a hell of a lot better than I did at the beginning of the year.

This is not to say the whole year was bad. It wasn't. In terms of our relationship, Damnen and I have never been better. Furthermore, after having endured so much without it tearing us apart, we feel extremely confident about planning a life together. Normally, at least in my experience, having life get this difficult would spell the end of my relationships - one person or the other would be less equipped to handle the strife and it would all fall apart - but the idea of splitting up never even crossed our minds. It was really wonderful to finally and actually have someone who works with me and who believes in the idea of Me and You Against the World and not We Against We. Plus, she figured out how to cook the family green beans and have them come out just perfect. My dad asked, "Can she make the beans?" When I confirmed she could, he said, "Ah, she's a keeper." I agree.

2009 did have to give us one last kick in the ass before it left, though. On the 30th, the garbage disposal broke and it will be a little while before we can fix it. On the 31st, Damnen received word that her food stamps for January were being canceled because they incorrectly believed she hadn't completed the community service required to receive them. And then we both came down with some kind of mostly-just-bothersome intestinal malaise. Fun stuff, let me tell you.

In summary, the year sucked pretty hard, but in the end Damnen and I are happy, we're feeling much better, the error with the food stamps was corrected, the cats are all alive and well, both cars are running, I'm still doing fantastic in school, and the future is looking up.

The check from the IRS finally came in and not a moment too soon, as we are down to about $50 in the bank and all the bills are overdue except the mortgage. Tomorrow, I will trot that check down to the bank before class and tomorrow night we can sit up and pay the bills.

Then, we get to take care of some things that have been put off since about June or so. Fathead needs a dental. The antibiotic treatment for the crystals in Spawn's urethra didn't work and now he's got the runny poo to go with the bloody pee, so he needs to go back to the vet. All the cats and Kubilai need flea meds.

Once school lets out and I have time to search, Dani's room could use a bed and dresser and nightstand.

Oh, what else? Any day now my gender change papers should come in and I can get my license changed. Unfortunately, I realized this will not change the information attached to my social security number. When I checked, they require surgery to change that, but that may not be set in stone. I'll have to go talk to someone at the office, I think. I've been on hormones for ten years and the only reason I've not had surgery is lack of money. Personally, I think I've demonstrated a commitment to transitioning and certainly have no plans to revert back. I should also get my birth certificate changed, but Kentucky also requires surgery. Though, again, I may be able to appear before a judge and petition for an exception. We'll see. Court dates require money and although we now have $5000, it has to last us until Damnen's job search pays off or my next dose of loan money comes in.

I'm left wondering if I should bother to change my information at school, seeing as my social security number still has F attached to it. I'm thinking I'll wait. Otherwise, my paperwork will be flagged as having a "no-match" and I'll have 90 days to get it corrected. Seeing as I don't have money for surgery, there's not much I can do to correct that right now. Plus, selective service will want paperwork stating why I haven't filed so I can still receive education loans. This whole gender change thing is a bit of a headache.

I suppose I might speak to the lawyer at school, since it is free for me to do so, and see what he recommends in terms of attempting to get my gender changed through social security without having surgery. He'd probably have a better idea of what chance I stand. And he might be able to help me with getting my birth certificate changed in KY.

Otherwise, school is going well. I'm holding strong A's in all my classes. Next quarter I'm taking Latin, women's studies (required for the Sexuality minor), and invertebrate paleontology. I need to file the paperwork for the geology minor and complete 8 credit hours and at least then I'll have one piece of paper as reward for all my hard work. Still a few years to go on the English degree and Sexuality minor.

Last Friday, Damnen and I saw Leon Redbone in concert courtesy of Dave and Emily. It was a strange, strange show. We're not sure if Leon was depressed, sick, pissed off, bored, or just getting senile, but his show was lackluster at best and kind of worrying at worst. He just didn't seem with it and most of the audience left confused. But afterward, we all went to a bar, had a drink, and enjoyed some good conversation. I even had a cup of coffee with brandy - the first drink I've had in about 5 years. It didn't seem to have any effect, but that's not to say I'm going to start drinking again, either.

This Friday, Damnen and I are going to see La Traviata for free, courtesy of the honor's department. I've never been to the opera, so I am five kinds of excited. Then, we're off to Ashland to see Damnen's parents and celebrate her niece and nephew's birthdays. Should be fun.

And this is probably long enough for now. Who knows when I shall post again, but I will post again.

This has been sitting in a tab since about September 26, waiting for me to finish and post it. Not that I've been stupidly busy or anything.

Yesterday was my birthday. I knew before it happened that it was going to be a very busy day, so I was curious to see how it would go. It turned out really nice.

I was up until 3am the night before finishing a paper. A little after midnight, I was sitting alone in the office working on that paper when Damnen popped in to deliver good news. Ohio has apparently standardized their criteria for changing gender on licenses and no longer requires surgery. Furthermore, they have paperwork now that you have your doctor or therapist fill out saying your gender should be changed. You send that in to the Columbus office, they change your information in the system, and send you back a letter that allows you to change your license. Thank you, Ohio, for a wonderful birthday present! I'll be calling on Monday for my paperwork.

I had to get up at 8am to drive to Dayton for my shot, which went well - I didn't die in a fiery crash, didn't even break down, and my shot was relatively painless for once. The waiting room only had one person hacking up her lungs and I did my best to stay away from her.

After my shot, I headed over to Starbucks for a coffee. It wasn't so much that I wanted the coffee, but that I really had to pee and wasn't about to use the bathroom at the doctor's office - not this time of year, anyway. The great thing about Starbucks - and one of the many reasons why I changed my previously disparaging opinion of them - is that they have single person, locking bathrooms. I don't care if I have been living as a man for 10 years, I am still very uncomfortable using public restrooms that allow for more than one person (besides the fact that I just can't pee if there's another person in the room). I'm probably at that Starbucks often enough that they wouldn't care if I just ducked in to use their restroom without buying anything, but I feel like I should, so I grabbed a pumpkin spice latte. It was tasty, but adding a slice of pumpkin bread to the order was a bit of a pumpkin overload. Still tasty, though.

Since Starbucks was busy and the tables were filled, I drove on to school and sat outside to do some homework. It was cloudy and muggy and a bit chilly, but I found a somewhat isolated table outside the building where I needed to be that wasn't wet or in a wind tunnel. I sipped my coffee, ate my bread, had a cigarette, and finished the homework I hadn't had time to get to the day before.

After my first class, I hiked upstairs to Sarah's office and we headed back to Starbucks for lunch. She was kind enough to drive us over, which saved me from having to park again later. She also gave Damnen and I a couple of Starbucks cards that she had left over. We had a delightful lunch of great conversation. Sarah is one of those rare people where she and I have so much in common that it's a bit creepy - right down to the opinion that grey and gray are not exactly the same color.

My last class of the day let out early and the drive home wasn't too harrowing. Damnen and I met at home and hit the thrift stores for a hat and any other outfit accessories we could find in preparation for the Dirty Show in Detroit on Saturday. On our way into downtown Dayton, we grabbed another tasty coffee.

Then, the highlight of my night: seeing America in concert with the Dayton Philharmonic Orchestra. It was a fantastic show. We got loge level box seats, which meant we couldn't see part of the stage, but they were still really neat. I've always wanted to try out box seats. I may have to experience them again. The show was fantastic and they even played the theme to the Last Unicorn. Afterward, we hung around to meet them and they signed our cd and shirt.

A quick update while I wake up. It's really been too long since I last posted. I am going so long between posts that I forget what I've mentioned and what I haven't, so let's hope I don't repeat myself too horribly.

Still painting on Dave's house. Seems like it will never end, but fortunately the paint I have can be applied in temperatures as low as 35 degrees. I hope I do not have to do that, but the option is there. Mostly it's a problem of ladders and people and having enough of both at the same time. And time. We are definitely lacking on time these days, because

Classes have started back. On MWF, I have Great Books: The Bible and Western Culture and English Literature 300: Poetry from 12:15 to 4pm. This means leaving the house by 11am to get there in time to find parking. I may start getting up really early and trying to paint a couple of hours those mornings. On TR, I have the History of the English Language from 2:45-4pm. This allows me to paint for a few hours before class, which I would be doing today, except this morning was very humid and I have an exam that I haven't studied for yet. I don't expect it to be difficult as she has given us our quiz questions AND answers. This class is so easy that I am a little afraid I am mistaken and it will suddenly prove terribly difficult. In fact,

All my classes are ridiculously easy so far. Liberal Arts in general seems to be purposefully easy. When I was a geology major, I had to take several geology classes, pass them, and prove I could do it before I was accepted to the College of Science and Math. For an English degree, I just showed up, said I'd like to do it and they automatically accepted me to the College of Liberal Arts. The classes thus far seem to be more about whether or not you participate and at least try to engage, rather than how well you know the material. It's a lot of writing, but that's not so bad. It requires me to focus more, but this has not been too much of a problem, seeing as

I set up a writing room. While Dani is not here, I have decided to take over her room for writing purposes. She picked out a very nice shade of green for the walls, but when we painted it on, it turned out to be much darker than expected. This room has three practically floor to ceiling windows, though, so the color looks great. It's just dark enough to be cozy without being claustrophobic. So now, when I must study or write, I hang out up here and listen to music. It has been helpful, but I rather dislike having to pack my laptop up and down the stairs. Someday I hope to get my old desktop running properly again. The only problem with this room, so far, is that it was initially quite devoid of life, so

I purchased some fish to keep me company. I was only going to buy a betta, but Meijer had delta-tail guppies on sale and they were quite pretty, so I got some of those, too. Then I had to have two bowls, because you can't mix bettas with other fish with flowing fins. I put the betta in a brandy snifter and got a one gallon bowl for the guppies and set them on my desk. By the next day, I decided the betta seemed cramped and I couldn't see the fish over the top of my laptop. Not to mention the fake grass I picked up was sticking out of the top of the gallon bowl. I decided to get a two gallon bowl for the guppies and put the betta in the gallon bowl. One of my guppies had died, so I replaced that with the last of its kind that Meijer still had and just happened to notice a bright blue gourami. Well, I had to have that, too, and a golden mystery snail to help keep the bowl clean. When I got home, another guppie had died, but that's been the extent of my casualties so far. So now I have four delta-tail guppies, a gourami, a golden mystery snail, and a betta keeping me company in the writing room. I was very happy to get the fish, which would not have been possible if not for the fact that

My loan check finally arrived. It was a bit more than I was expecting after losing three scholarships when I changed majors. Still, it allowed us to pay up the bills and take care of some things that needed to be done, and spend a little on entertainment. I am very excited to announce that on my birthday this Friday

We are going to see America perform with the Dayton Philharmonic Orchestra at the Schuster Center. This was our gift to me, since all I've gotten for my birthday for the past few years has been an iced coffee and a night of relaxation. Not that I minded - at the time that was all I wanted - but it's nice to actually do something for my birthday. I will be 35 this year. Then on Saturday we are going to the Dirty Show (September Edition) in Detroit with Dave and several other models. That may be the last of our entertainment for a while, though because

The IRS still hasn't sent us our First Time Homebuyers Incentive. We filed for it in March, but because we filed an amendment, we didn't get it back as quickly. But when it didn't show up for several weeks after it was due, we called. They said it was processing and please call back. We called back, they said there was nothing wrong with it, but it was still processing, please call back. We called back, they said it was still processing, but should have been flagged as late by the first person we spoke to, so they would do that now - we could expect our check in about a month. Three weeks later, we called back and they said, "Oh, you've been randomly selected for review," which is a polite way of saying, "We are auditing your ass." Another 45 days for that to go through, they said, and could you please send all this paper work to prove you actually bought the house. Oh, and we'll need to have that paperwork within 30 days or we'll deny your claim, but it could take up to 30 days for us to acknowledge that we've received your paperwork. We sent it certified mail. This meant we were supposed to receive our check by about now, but we just heard back from them and now they're saying around November 4. I'll believe it when I see it. But in the meantime, while we had money,

We took the cats to the vet. All got Revolution to kill the fleas. Fathead got a rabies shot (3 years, awesome). Otter's stinky butt is apparently caused by allergies, so she got a shot to clear them up. Spawn's bloody pee was caused by crystals in his urethra, so he is on antibiotics and seems to be clearing up nicely. They recommended a special diet for him, but with 8 cats I'm not sure how we'd manage to separate out his food. I'm going to wait and see if he stays cleared up. If so, great! If not, we'll figure out how to feed him separately.

And now, I must get to studying for my exam.

I'm officially an English major, as per my registration records. I've signed up for most of my classes and have to get permission to be signed into the last class I want to take, but I'm doing that tomorrow.

Once I take the Women's Studies class, I can apply for the minor in Sexuality, but that class is full for Fall quarter. My adviser wanted me to start taking Latin immediately, but that class is also full. Instead, I am taking:

ENG 300 - Introduction to Literary Study I
ENG 479 - History of the English Language
REL 204 - Great Books: The Bible and Western Culture
Competitive Fencing

And apparently, I am only 8 hours (apx. 2 classes) away from a minor in Geology. I think I'd be stupid not to go ahead and do it, but I think I'll pick those classes up in the Winter and Spring quarters.

So, that means I will be an English major with minors in Sexuality and Geology. An interesting combination, to be sure.

I'll write stories on how to get your rocks off.

This story was recently on the front page of CNN.com:

Programs to Change Gays to Straights Don't Work, Report Says

After being featured as the main story for a few scant hours, it suddenly disappeared. I had to pick through their "most emailed" stories to find it. Later, I found it on their Health page, but listed several stories down and even beneath some that had been up longer. Finding this all a little suspicious and insulting, I sent them a little note:


"I am deeply disappointed that the recent story titled "Programs to change gays to straights don't work, report says" was removed from your front page after only a few hours of exposure. Given that the front page of your site is practically overburdened by stale stories that have been there for weeks, the removal of this particular story seems suspicious to say the least. While those of us whom the contents of the story impact personally have kept up with the studies and have known for some time that these programs do not work, the rest of the populace may not be as educated. For those of us who face discrimination and prejudice from ignorant individuals, this is information that needs to be widely disseminated for the good of society. I can only assume that you capitulated to complaints by the religious right and if this is the case, you should be ashamed."

And now, we must go buy food for The Bun.

Damnen and I were sitting on the porch smoking a while ago. Fathead jumped up in her lap, prompting one of us to remark on her huge lap tumor. This got me to thinking, and after a moment of pondering, I asked:

If you had a cat named Cancer and she had kittens, could it be said she'd metastasized?

For the past few days, I've been going through old entries, adding tags, and deciding whether I want them to be public, friends-only, or private. A couple of years ago I made them all friends-only because I knew there were several I no longer wished to share openly, but didn't have the time to search them out. I'm not quite done yet, but now most of the older entries are public again. I've restricted a few to friends-only and a small handful are now private. I thought there were more that I wanted to keep private, but upon rereading, this turned out to not be the case.

As for the ones that are private... there are just certain events in my life that I no longer wish to acknowledge and certain people whom I don't want others to think were ever that significant. I almost created a tag titled StupidStupidStupid!, but I changed my mind. At one time, these people meant something to me, but now they are filed under learning experiences. And it's not that I still feel particularly strongly about them. Rather, I feel so dispassionately about them that I no longer wish to discuss or acknowledge them, anymore than I would wish to acknowledge or discuss at length the faceless strangers I pass on the street.

In reading back through all my entries, one thing I've noticed is that many of my older entries were more prose and less a check list of things I'd done that day. I feel like this journal has descended into the tedium of bland day-to-day activities. I would like to rectify this.

I am in the process of turning the back bedroom into a writing room/library. I need to get Dani's room squared away first, so I can move RevSpook into it while she isn't here visiting. Then, I intend to paint and organize my writing room. I want a place to go that is solely for the purpose of creative pursuits. I had one when I lived on Sidwell Lane years ago and I dearly miss it.

Once I get this room put together, I intend to set aside a block of time every day to write. I don't care if it's journal entries, poetry, my books, or what, so long as I'm writing. I know already that I work well on a schedule; I don't know why I have never created an official writing schedule before now.

To that end, I need things to write about above and beyond the usual daily activities, seeing as life has been a bit dull lately. I don't mind - there's a certain peacefulness to all these dull days, but they make for poor entries. I am putting together a list of topics to write about in this journal, so that if I find I have nothing to say about current events, I can turn to my list and select a subject.

This is where you come in. I have a partial list of my own, but I would like help fleshing it out. So, for my long-term readers, are there any old situations or events that I should elaborate on? Anything you ever wanted to know more about? And for my new and old readers alike, if you have any questions, please ask and I will consider it my duty to devote an entry to answering.

It may take me a little while to get to each entry, but it is my intention to get to them all. For all I know, I have lapsed into tedium or the yawning chasms of silence too often and no one is reading along anymore. I like to think a few of you are still paying attention. Well, I know some of you are. Hell, if y'all just want to comment and say you're still around, that'd be cool, too. I'm curious who's still keeping up, as many of my old friends have lapsed into their own yawning chasms of silence.

Anyway, besides the entries, I would also like to bring the poems back. I think I'll make them friends-only, since I would like to publish them someday, but I will bring them back. I have a few new ones written. I'll put one up here in a few.

We're about to head home from Ashland, KY. I left my phone with The Spook over the weekend. He says several people have called me. Unfortunately, I forgot to show him the trick to answering the phone since I soaked it down with the pressure washer and rendered half the buttons unusable. So, if you are one of the people who called me, expect to hear from me tomorrow evening when I get home from work. Sorry for the delay.

So far as painting Dave's house goes, this week has been a wash. On Monday, I had to drive to Dayton to file the change-of-major paperwork and put a small check in the bank. I hoped to get some work done on his house that afternoon, but it was raining. It rained again on either Tuesday or Wednesday. Today, we got out there late and after lunch, it started raining again. I figured it was the powers that be telling me to go home and finish sending out emails.

I got most of the people I needed to notify about my degree change notified. Of course, this morning I got an email telling me I'd received another Science and Math scholarship that I had to decline. It was only $500. I was a little afraid to check, fearing it might be several thousand, and then I might have cried. But even that would not be enough to coax me into changing back.

I found out my Greek and Roman Classics professor is teaching a Bible class Fall quarter. I emailed him and he says that if I can fit it into my schedule, he'll sign me into the class if it's already full. He gave me a description of the class and it sounds really fascinating, so I'll try to make room. He may be teaching Latin next year. If so, I'll sign up for his sections. I also finally sent him a copy of a paper I wrote for another class looking at the possible use of physiognomy by Greek sculptors. I wouldn't have even fathomed the idea if not for his class, so I'm a bit grateful. We'll see what he thinks.

I still haven't emailed my complexity professor. I'm almost afraid to do so. He's been so incredibly supportive that I feel a bit ashamed to admit to him that I'm changing majors. He's really taken me under his wing and I worry I will be a disappointment to him. That still isn't enough to change my mind. It just means I'll procrastinate writing to him for a little longer.

My official transfer from the College of Science and Math to the College of Liberal Arts may take up to two weeks, since so many people are on vacation over the summer. I hope it doesn't take too long. I want to meet with my new adviser and get my classes ironed out.

Mostly, I just feel like I have finally chosen a new and exciting direction and now I must sit here and spin my wheels for a while before I get to make progress. It's a little frustrating.

Tomorrow (technically today, I suppose), I think I am going to forgo attempting to work on Dave's house. I'll get a little sleep, finish up my emails, shave and shower, and pack up to head out for Ashland by 3pm where we will celebrate Damnen and her sisters' collective birthdays over the weekend.

I've had the worst insomnia this week, as evidenced by my being awake now. I'll try to reset over the weekend.

Making no promises, though.

Just got home from Lexington about an hour ago. We drove down to drop Dani off at home and visit family.

Lots to catch up on, but I'll just relate what is on my mind now. I've decided to change my major.

While I was dealing with the chronic nausea, there was a time when I worried it might be stomach cancer. I worried it might be fatal. And although I was studying geology and complexity and enjoying both, when I considered that I could die, I did not think of either of those. Instead, I wished for time to finish the book I've been writing for far too long. I wanted time to finish all the scraps of poems that I've collected through the years. If it had been cancer, I would have dropped out of school and devoted all my time to writing.

The nausea has been gone for three weeks now and does not appear to be returning. I'm not entirely convinced that lowering my testosterone solved the problem, but after we lowered it the nausea disappeared. I still wonder if it might have been anxiety, but it's difficult to know for certain. Anxiety and nausea feed each other and it's impossible to discern if anxiety caused the nausea or nausea caused anxiety. I am considering raising my testosterone again over winter break to see what happens, but I won't decide on that until winter break arrives. Until then, I am simply glad to be eating again.

But I digress.

On Friday, I met with Sarah, my English 102 professor. I discussed with her the pros and cons of an English degree. My main fear has always been that it is a junk degree - the default major of the undecided who aspire to nothing loftier than a desk job in cubicle hell. I do not want that. I brought a selection of five poems to see if Sarah felt my writing was decent enough to pursue. Before she read them she said that just based on the writing I did in her class she would unreservedly recommend me to the English department. Reading my poetry did not change her mind. In fact, she asked to keep it and said she would look it over and critique it for me. She was especially fond of One By Six, which made me happy.

Sarah and I have always gotten along very well. I have tried to make it by to speak with her at least once every quarter, even though I was no longer taking any English classes. She's just a delightful individual. As we got to talking on Friday, I learned that we have much more in common. She writes erotica and focuses heavily in the GLBT community. She is even starting a Sexuality minor this Fall and offered to bring me aboard. Once she assured me that it will not be heavily patrolled by the P.C. Police so long as she has anything to say about it, I was rather enthusiastic. She's even a member of a writing forum that explores the fluidity of gender. And since she was so forthcoming, I told her my deep, dark, tranny secret.

It's just been such a relief. One of the things that has bothered me the most about majoring in a science field is the need to bury my life and hide behind a facade. I am not cut out for hiding and pretending; it just doesn't come naturally to me. But I worried that if my colleagues discovered my private life - being ftm, bisexual, into the goth scene and bdsm, artistic, sometimes unashamedly obscene - they would lose all respect for me and my work. In a liberal arts field, however, I am not so shocking and there is less need to pull the curtain on my private life. I can be myself.

In pursuing an English degree, I am doing so for my own pleasure with no expectation of a job once I am out of college. I intend to get an MS and once I have done that will decide if I wish to continue on toward a PhD. Wright State only offers an English MS, so I will have to go elsewhere if I choose to go further.

But in pursuing an English degree, I feel much more confident in my ability to excel in the field. If my grasp of English at this moment is both hands holding tight to a piece of paper, then my grasp of geology is one hand on the paper and my grasp of complexity is finger and thumb clinging desperately to the corner. I realized a few months back that when it comes to geology and complexity, I don't even know what questions to ask or what ideas to investigate. But with literature, I am bursting with questions and ideas. It comes naturally to me and there is no struggle.

Studying geology, I have had to rigidly apply myself. I study hours and hours every day while classes are in session and that is just so I can keep up. This is especially true where the math classes are concerned. I might be able to study an hour or so a day for the geology, but the math classes required extended hours every day. I pulled A's in all my classes, but it was not without cost. And even after all the studying and the fantastic grades, I still had little confidence in my abilities. I still had to stop and think and think hard about each equation. It often frustrated me to the point of despair.

In all the liberal arts classes that I took for my general education requirements, though, I did not have to apply myself so rigidly. I could study for a few hours a day, understand and remember all that I had learned, and take a little time for myself.

The mere idea of dropping all the math and avoiding chemistry is a massive relief. Since I made up my mind, the world seems brighter, music thrills me again; I feel alive. I never truly realized, but since I started pursuing geology, I have suppressed the desire to write because I didn't have time. It was more important to apply myself in school and leave my little hobby of writing by the wayside until the important things were taken care of. Now, it is as though I suddenly have permission to be creative again. I have permission to listen to the songs that remind me of my book, permission to conjure verses in my head, permission to let my mind wander and explore.

I still love science, but I think I will leave it to the scientists. I feel satisfied with how far I progressed and confident that if I had continued my geology major, I would have done well. I have absolutely no regrets for the two years I spent studying geology. But I am more satisfied with my decision to leave it behind.

The results of the stomach emptying test for gastroparesis were normal. This is both good and bad news. Good because the treatment might have been worse than the disease. Bad because it means I still don't have an answer.

Currently, my doctor is entertaining the idea that it may be the testosterone. I have my doubts, but I'll give the idea its day in court. She just wants me to reduce my dosage from 0.5cc every two weeks to 0.25 and see what happens. Fair enough, I guess. And even though I'm on a lower dose than most, my testosterone levels are still normal, so this shouldn't cause a serious reduction in my levels.

I doubt testosterone is the cause as I would then expect the nausea to follow my dosing schedule. I would expect to be nauseous after my shot and have a reduction in nausea as I near the next shot - or even vice versa. This is not the case; the nausea is random and sporadic. Additionally, the initial onset was sudden and acute; it did not build in frequency or intensity as I would expect an allergy to develop. I suppose they can come on suddenly, though. Still, I do not find the evidence entirely persuasive.

I have six pages of handwritten notes detailing the onset and various symptoms, occurrences, hypotheses, etc., that I intend to type up and pass off to my doctor. I may do this on Friday when I get my next shot. Or I could wait and see what reducing my testosterone does. I'll probably just give it to her Friday. Perhaps there is something in there that might shed light on my situation.

In the meantime, I've been scraping Dave's house. RevSpook has come to visit for a while and he is helping me with this monumental task. I am paying him, of course. I wouldn't expect anyone to suffer through this for free. Today, though, was an absolute comedy of errors that I will try to remember to relate to you all. It was so bad, we called it quits around 1pm or so, for fear that catastrophe was imminent.

My niece is up here, too, though she is not so keen on helping us scrape. She was hoping to paint, but I am not sure that we will be done with all the scraping before it is time to take her home. While she's up here, we hope to take her to some fencing lessons. We wanted to take a few horseback riding lessons, but that won't happen if the check from the IRS doesn't come in. Now they are saying another few weeks, when they last told us it would be processed by the 20th. Yay for financial desperation!

We're going to visit my dad this weekend. I may see if he has any work we can do to earn our mortgage payment. Then we'll figure out what to do about the rest of the bills.

Amusingly, we are all a bit stressed, but still in pretty good spirits.

I didn't get as much done today as desired, but it wasn't a total waste.

This morning we got out to WSU and found some equipment for Dani. We lingered for over an hour talking to our fencing instructor. He gave us several drills to go over with Dani and for our own benefit. He also gave me slip to sign up for the competitive fencing class this fall, which required instructor approval. He's wanting to put together a fencing team and WSU is backing him. If I get good enough, I might even get to be on it.

I thought the thesis defenses I wanted to attend were today, but they are actually on Thursday. That'll teach me to check my day planner. We went to Starbucks and got coffees, meaning to head back to WSU to sign up for the fencing class and see if Angie was in. Instead, I slipped trying to put the lid back on my coffee cup after eating all the whipped cream off the top and spilled coffee on my crotch. Yay! It looked like I'd shat all over myself. Thankfully, I was in the car and we abandoned our plans to go back to WSU. It was hilariously funny to me, but only so long as I didn't have to get out of the car and parade around where others could see.

As it turned out, the coffee upset our stomachs, so instead of going home and working on the garden, we sat on the couch and tried not to be too miserable. Once the quease had passed we fell asleep, which was a consequence of getting about three and a half hours of sleep last night. When we woke up a couple of hours later, we ran over to the paint store and checked prices, then over to Dave's to negotiate my price to paint and pick colors and brands. I found out that Sherwin Williams makes an exterior paint that self-primes, which will cut down on the number of coats necessary. It has a lifetime warranty, too, so long as it is applied properly. I'm fairly certain I know how to properly apply the paint, but for Dave's protection, I shall play the idiot and ask the people at the store what they recommend.

Back home, Damnen mowed the lawn while I gathered up the last of the branches and logs from the trees we cut down. The brush pile in the alley is now bigger than my car. Then I planted the eggplant and pepper in the garden and dug out some of the flower bed where the cherry tree will go. Damnen helped for a while once she was done mowing. As it was getting dark, we surrendered to exhaustion and quit.

We found a ladder, though! That was moderately exciting. Dave doesn't have an extension ladder that will reach the roof of his house. It is far too expensive to rent one for the time I would need it and I hated for him to buy a new one and lose money on it when he sold it later. But I found one on craigslist and the guy still had it. Even better, he said if we'd buy it tonight, he'd deliver it. Awesome. That saved Dave and me from having to strap it to the top of his minivan. I had to send poor Dave out into the night to get cash from the ATM, since Damnen and I don't have $225 in cash on us, but hopefully it was worth it. I haven't heard from Dave since, so I assume the ladder arrived. And if it's in as good condition as the guy professed, Dave should be able to sell it for at least what he paid, if not more.

Tomorrow, I must attend the complexity meeting, Damnen has a job interview, and we hope to get the cherry tree planted. It's supposed to rain some, though, so we'll see.

So, I've been doing really well with eating since I've been tracking my calorie intake. Most days I get within a few calories of 2000 and I'm definitely feeling much better. The main setback to gaining weight is all the exercise I've been getting. I'm still burning more calories every day than I take in, but I'm not sure if I can stand to eat much more.

For instance, yesterday I dug out four wheelbarrows full of gravely dirt from the east side of the house and used them to fill in the holes in the alley. Then I cut down all the wild honeysuckle bushes in the front yard (except the ones under the tree with the beehive). I cut them into manageable sizes and carted them to the alley where I made a pile. Then I removed the honeysuckle out from among the lilac bush, cut it down, and hauled it to the alley. Damnen and I then separated the rubbish pile into lumber, brush, and fill composed of concrete chunks, metal, glass, and whatever other strange things the previous owners buried around the yard. Then we picked through the fill pile for flat pieces of concrete and broken bricks to fill in some more spots in the alley under Jim's truck. All in all it was about seven hours of work.

If you suffered through the post I made earlier, then you know what all we did today. That took about four hours or so, but it was no less strenuous.

Tomorrow I will get a bit of a break, as I have to be on campus most of the day. I need to be there early to purchase some used fencing equipment for my niece, provided they have some in her size. Then there are two thesis defenses I'd like to attend and I need to track down Angie to discuss my presidency and the training I need to attend.

Once we get home, though, we should try to get started on all the things left to do. We need to finish cutting up the trees we took down today and haul them to the alley. Then we need to plant the flowers and cherry tree, edge their bed with bricks, and mulch. There are still some very deep ruts in the alley and I'd like to take the rest of the concrete and debris to fill them in. We need to put together the railings for the compost pile. The lawn needs to be mowed, too. If I get even half of that done, that'll take care of most of the calories I've taken in. And that's not even a tenth of all the things that need to be done between the yard and the house.

If I want to gain weight, I really need to sit on my butt and eat, but I just don't know how to do that anymore. I feel so out of sorts if I'm not doing something and there's so much to do in the yard. I'd like to get it more or less sorted out before the end of summer and my time is more limited than it might seem. I've got Dave's house to paint and I figure that'll take every bit of six weeks, depending on the weather and unforeseen obstacles. We'll have Dani up here for the summer and while I intend to put her to work in the yard with me, I can't expect her to keep up with the amount of work I like to do in a day. It's not that I think she can't do it, but rather she's up here to relax and enjoy her summer. It wouldn't be fair to work her to death. I'm her uncle; it's my job to spoil her and send her home!

Today turned out much busier than originally anticipated. First, we were up late because Damnen had a migraine and she doesn't like to sleep them off for fear of waking up and having to do the mad rush to the bathroom to be sick. I stayed awake until about 5am and she crashed out a few hours later. I got up around 11am and she got up about 1:30pm.

We wandered out for a cigarette a bit after she got up. It was still drizzling rain, but the clouds were clearing out. There was this buzzing noise in the background, but neither of us paid it any mind. Damnen looked out into the front yard and got my attention. There was a massive swarm of bees buzzing around the hive. It was a cloud so thick I'd swear it cast a shadow. We ducked our cigarettes and I found the number for this guy who removes swarms. He said he'd be here in a few minutes, so we wandered back outside to watch the swarm.

Lest you think this was dangerous, bee swarms are usually non-aggressive and more concerned with clumping up while the scout finds a new home. Sadly, this does not mean all our bees have moved on to greener pastures. Rather, half the hive has split off with a new queen and half will remain with the old.

The bee guy showed up, but by the time he had, the swarm was mostly over and the bees had dispersed. He did say he might be able to remove the hive from the tree, though. He's building a vacuum system to suck the bees out, but hasn't finished it yet. He said he'd get back with us when he had, and after he'd checked with the regulations concerning bees in trees. Apparently, in Ohio you cannot remove a hive from a tree. This makes sense in the wild, but I hope there are exceptions for hives in your front yard.

Once he was gone, Damnen went in to do some writing, while I went outside to start planting the foxglove, larkspur and other plants whose names escape me that we bought yesterday. Then I realized I'd miscalculated. I wanted to plant them surrounding this one spot where I intended to eventually plant a weeping cherry tree. I hadn't planted the cherry tree because there was another tree growing up against the privacy fence a few feet behind where I wanted the cherry tree to go. I realized that tree had to come down before planting the flowers, lest I injure them later trying to cut it down around them.

So, I set to cutting down that tree. I don't have a chainsaw anymore and it was too close to the fence for the axe, so I grabbed a hand saw and set to work. The smaller section of the two trunks was easy and I was able to guide it away from the house as it fell. The second, thicker section was exhausting. I cut through about a fourth of the trunk and decided I needed some rope. If I could tie a rope up in the branches and have Damnen pull the tree safely away from the house, it would make things go much faster.

Of course, we had no rope.

Off to the store we went. Damnen has a job interview on Wednesday and needed a summer suit, so we searched for that first. We joked that in return for me accompanying her to shop for women's clothes, she had to buy me an iced coffee and a cherry tree. Lowe's was next. They had rope, but only one very sad cherry tree for $70. We tried Meijer next and met with success. We also picked up a pepper plant and an eggplant to replace the ones that didn't grow in our garden. We got some purple winter creeper for under the lilac bush, too.

Getting the tree in the car was amusing. It reminded me of the Grinch stuffing the tree up the chimney. I rode home with the root ball under my feet and the rest of the tree stretched all the way to the back window.

With Damnen on the rope and me sawing away at the trunk, we had the tree down in about ten minutes. It didn't go perfectly, though. I stopped sawing and helped Damnen pull the tree down, but we didn't pull far enough to the left, so it landed partly on the privacy fence. Several branches wedged between the slats and it took us about ten minutes of lifting the trunk and unwedging the branches to get it free.

Once we got it down, our neighbor Jim noticed what we were doing and got his chainsaw running. He passed it over the fence to me and then insisted I cut down the fifteen foot catalpa growing in the middle of our yard. I cut that down and cut it up. We wanted it down; I just hadn't planned to do it right then. I cut up the other tree and then Jim snatched the chainsaw away and took down more of the mulberry stump at the back of the yard that just won't die.

By then it was dark and the guard came off the tip of the chainsaw, so we called it a night. I forgot how much wielding a chainsaw can wear you out. It's not the weight of it, but the constant bending over. I was only using it for half an hour or so, but I'm worn out.

This quarter isn't even over yet and already we have filled the next few months with summer plans.

My niece will be coming up for a while over the summer, but I'm not sure yet how long she'll be here. I'm thinking at least a month, though she's welcome to stay the whole summer if she likes. Her school isn't out until Friday, though, so nothing is set in stone just yet. Plus, Damnen and I are waiting on the rest of our tax refund that we filed as an amendment. It should be in by the end of this month, but I'm hesitant to bring Dani up here until we have it in hand. If there should be some emergency while my niece is here, I'd feel better having more money on hand than we currently have.

We found someone offering inexpensive horseback riding lessons about 20 minutes away, so we are seriously considering signing up. Granted, I know how to ride already, but I could always use more pointers. It has been about three years since I've been on a horse and I'm sure I'm rusty. Besides, it's a great excuse to go riding and it's a lot cheaper than the trail riding places around here. If Dani is interested in learning, we'll sign her up, too.

We'll be fencing all summer on Sundays and possibly on Fridays, too, if Dani wants to learn. The classes are on Fridays and free fencing on Sundays.

Dave needs his huge house painted and I have agreed to do it. He's currently getting estimates from painting companies, as per my recommendation. That way, we'll both know what the job is worth and then I can seriously undercut that and save him a lot of money. Doing it alone, it will be a lot of money for me, even with the reduced rate. Besides, Dave has gone above and beyond the call of duty to help Damnen and me out up here. He and his family are our only friends in Springfield. We owe him one. Hell, we owe him many more than one. And I like painting, so it will be a pleasure to boot.

With any luck, it will still leave me time to get some painting done around here. I'd like to get the dining room done. Dani's room will need to be painted once she's chosen a color she likes (and that we can agree on, since it's a guest room when she's not here!). I'd like to get the back room in order, too. I want to turn it into a writing room. I'm thinking about moving our desks up there to unclutter the living room a bit. I'll move some of my reference books up there, as well, and set up some speakers for music. This may mean getting rid of our weight bench, but we've not been using it anyway. I can't afford to spend that many calories. Then again, maybe I can just find a corner for it.

In the yard, we've got a lot of landscaping left to do. We don't expect to get finished this year, but it would be nice to make a dent. At the very least, we should get the front hill cleared and plant some ground cover to stabilize it. We plan to put flower beds along the perimeter of the yard when we find the time, money, and materials.

While Damnen was away I bricked in the flower beds by the front porch where the daffodils and crocuses are wasting away to limp brown ribbons. Come Fall I intend to dig them up and replant them on the hillside and under the lilac bush. Then next year I'll plant pansies and violets in their place. Before then, I've got some moonflowers just about ready to move outside. I'm going to plant them where they'll vine up the porch so we'll have flowers in the evening.

This past week we planted a rosebush at the corner of the porch and bricked that in with some yellowish bricks that we found in the yard of the abandoned house next door. Then we landscaped the little patch of yard in front of the house. We planted burgundy coral bells, burgundy glow ajuga, Abyssinian gladiolus, allium, anemone blanda, caladium, and a hydrangea bush, along with some ground cover whose name escapes me. Where there used to be a fence at the front of the yard, I scavenged two circular chunks of concrete covered in white, rounded pebbles and put them in the flower bed. I used thin shards of limestone to encircle them and create basins and filled them with more pebbles. On top of those, we set two fuchsia plants in planters. Then we placed rocks and sea shells in groupings throughout to take up room. We finished it off with a layer of mulch over all the areas where there won't be anything growing soon. The allium, anemone blanda, and caladium are bulbs and won't sprout and bloom for a while, but it looks rather nice even now, I think.

For the hillside, which will be a massive undertaking, we are planning to strip all the grass away. Then we will cover it with those long strips of hillside covering stuff that will disintegrate over time and has a name that will not come to me. We intend to plant either vinca (a little of which is already growing near the steps) or English ivy, interspersed with low silver juniper bushes and various bulb plants hopefully carefully selected so that something will be blooming all spring and summer. It's going to be a chore and then some, but it has to be done. The hillside is way too steep and it's a wonder it hasn't slumped already. It is imperative that we get some sturdy roots binding the soil together, besides those of the two Catalpa trees. It is further imperative that we not have to mow it again, because it is a serious pain in the ass.

That might be close to half of the summer plans, but I'm as tired of writing as I'm sure you're tired of reading, so I'll stop here. I'm sure you'll hear about the rest of our plans some time later.

Today has been a good day. I am finally over a heinous head cold that laid me up on the couch for several days. If not for the fact that I didn't run a fever, I'd have sworn it was the flu. There have been several confirmed cases of H1N1 in our county, so it wouldn't be unlikely. But there was no fever, so it was probably just a cold made worse by my weakened constitution.

I checked my email this morning and discovered that I have been awarded another scholarship. It's for $2,500 and will last for six quarters. I've been unable to ascertain if it is $2,500 every quarter or per school year or per the six quarters. I'm also not that concerned. It's at least $2,500 I don't have to take out in loans and that's good enough for me. I applied for several other scholarships, but have yet to hear back about those. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Since I was feeling better, I attended the complexity meeting, where the professor told me that Angie has been trying to contact me. Angie is a geology grad student friend of mine, but I've not seen much of her lately. She's been working on her thesis and I've been busy with classes and lately just staying home. But back when I was in my first year, she took me under her wing and championed me. She nominated me for vice president of SGE and I think her confidence in me got me elected.

Apparently, the presidents of AIPG and SGE are graduating this quarter and leaving. They held a meeting and decided I should be the president of AIPG. At least, Angie's girlfriend is pretty sure that's the one they made me the president of... it could be SGE. I emailed Angie today and am waiting to hear back from her. All I know is that I'm president of one of them. While SGE is the geology club for honors students, AIPG is the big one. I'm happy with either, but if I did get AIPG, I've got some ideas and a lot of work ahead of me come Fall quarter. I want the club to really get together and do things. I'd like to get some fundraising done and have a decent amount of cash in our treasury. I want it to be an active club at WSU. Yep, I'll have my work cut out for me, but as the president, I can delegate!

This evening, Damnen and I went to our fencing class. Tonight was the direct elimination sabre rounds. Since we both missed last week when they did the pools to determine our initial ranking and who we'd have to fence first this week, we both got put at the bottom. The pools basically divide you up according to skill by having you fence everyone in your pool. When the direct elimination rounds start, the best ranked fencers go up against the worst ranked fencers and those in the middle fence with others of middle skill rank. With Damnen and I both at the bottom, we went up against the best fencers from last week's pool. Damnen had the misfortune of going up against one of the advanced fencers and was thoroughly stomped through no fault of her own. I got to go up against someone from our class who is indeed a skilled fencer and I held my own fairly well. Our final score was 5-4 in his favor. I was pleased, even if I did lose. I know I'm not the best fencer in the class, but I am one of the better ones and that's good enough for me.

This summer, Damnen and I are going to go to the fencing classes at the Kettering Center. My niece will be up here with us for at least a couple of weeks, so we'll take her along, too. If she's going to be here for a month or more, we'll sign her up for classes if she wants. She was interested when she visited over spring break.

I plan to sign up for competitive fencing Fall quarter. I would love to compete. Now if I can just get my health in order so I'll have the stamina to compete. Either way, the competitive fencing class is limited to ten people and held on Monday evenings, separate from the other fencing classes. This means one-on-one lessons from our instructor and I sincerely look forward to that. I stayed late and talked with him for a while this evening and he gave me several exercises to work on over the summer, so I won't be out of shape come Fall. So long as my health holds, I should be ready to go.

I had a doctor's appointment this past Friday. She listened to my symptoms and actually doesn't think it is anxiety. She thinks I may have a legitimate condition (not that anxiety isn't legitimate) and wants to test me for gastroparesis. Basically, this means that my stomach is suffering from partial and intermittent paralysis. That would explain why the nausea isn't consistent with regard to the food I eat and why it comes and goes in waves.

The test will consist of me eating a radioactive breakfast of scrambled eggs or oatmeal. Then they will x-ray my stomach every hour for four hours to see how long it takes for the food to empty from my stomach. If most of it isn't gone within a certain time, the diagnosis is confirmed.

It would be nice to have an actual diagnosis, but if it is gastroparesis, there's no cure unless it goes away on its own. My doctor says that's happened with two of her patients, so there's always the chance. Furthermore, the medications to treat it have unpleasant side effects. The most common medication used causes anxiety and irritability, among other things. The second most common can cause nausea and vomiting. And the third can cause fatal arrhythmias in people with heart conditions, so I don't want to take that one. We'll see how it goes, I guess.

In the meantime, to put some weight on, I've stocked up on power bars and Ensure shakes. I've started tracking my daily calorie intake to make sure I'm eating enough. So far, I've managed to eat around 1800 calories for each of the two days since I started keeping track. I'll have to find some higher calorie foods, but 1800 calories isn't too shabby considering that I'm forced to snack all day.